I knew I should have closed the site when I had decided to.

If this is another bluff then I’d be glad, but for sure it’s not planned nor deliberate. So here I stop again. In the last couple of months I wrote less, but I gave up to the urge in many cases. This time I doubt I’ll write, no matter how big the news or short the comment. We’ll see. Maybe just another bluff.

I’m sorry for the few readers I have and even more sorry to see my own efforts come down to nothing.

Well, going back I’d still make the same choices. Please no comments, because after the third time they would be inappropriate.

/emo off

EDIT: So it looks like this isn’t going to be a bluff (things are unsure even for me). I take the occasion of an e-mail to repeat in short the reasons of the “I quit”, so they can stay up here.

—
I’ve written during the “original stop intention” (September 12) the reasons why I decided to stop.

It’s not because I’m not having fun anymore writing, but because I want to do it even more. I want it to lead somewhere, to be fruitful. I want to continue to learn and dedicate myself to it. I want to be part of it.

So more than a desire to do something else, I have the desire to persist. The problem here is just in the unwanted conflict between what I’d like to do and what I have to do. My “real” life asks me to betray my desires, because they lead nowhere and are that kind of childish wishes that should die as soon as possible.

I am the dreamer, I’m the one who chases the impossible. That’s why I lasted more and did much more than what was intended. But I’m also on a point where I don’t seem to have that luxury of choice anymore. I’m not anymore a kid, need to find a job, find something to do that is in the realm of “realistic” and all that. Even if it doesn’t correspond to what I want for myself.

I also don’t accept compromises. I don’t accept to write about games as an hobby. I don’t accept to do it in my spare time. I won’t let the site slowly decline because I have to do something else.

So. Or I continue (and this path seems closed now), or I betray myself.

That’s all.

This is SO off-topic.

In the last week here in Italy we got “Sanremo”, a yearly week-long popular music festival on TV. It’s for us like a smaller-scale Super Bowl, fading a bit in popularity and relevance in the last few years.

Anyway, there’s this song that was rejected from the official exhibition but that was presented in another context. And I love it :)

It’s catchy, simple and there’s a funny choreography to dance with it (that is half the fun) but that you cannot obviously see. Now it’s getting popular on the internet and here it is:

Momo – Fondanela

Sing with me! :D

EDIT: Now on YouTube!

I’m currently reading all that Marvel and DC have published in the last few years. It is taking a while but I’m reading some excellent stuff. I’m not one of those nostalgic readers who say that nothing will ever be as good as what we had. The style surely changed, but this is definitely an excellent moment for comics. Great artists, great writers. Sometimes you have to wade through some crap, but overall I’m having fun as a kid.

Still today Marvel is definitely ahead and still “connects” and “marvels” a lot more than DC. DC is more detached and abstract, a bit more classic. While Marvel really connects with our world. Comics could never be more actual than today.

Marvel still lives on the original, simple principle: super heroes with super problems. This is a very basic and distinct difference. Marvel has always been about the man behind the mask, while DC has always been about the mask. A DC mask can be worn by different characters. The mask, as a concept, persists. It’s abstract. While the “actor” can change. So DC is more about the essence of the mask, while Marvel has always been about the man, his problems, his life. Then sublimated to the level of the mask. The mask is only a modality.

This is why mutants became a predominant sub-universe. They connect to the readers and they connect to some essential symbols. If you are a comics reader you know how classic super-heroes like Captain America or the Fantastic Four are considered much differently from mutants. This may sound as an odd idea because both save the world, both have super-powers. So what’s the difference? The difference is that mutants are a mutation of a DNA code, you born as a mutant, while other super-heroes acquire their powers. Spider-man was bitten by a radioactive spider for example, he isn’t a mutant.

In the Marvel universe the difference goes beyond this superficial level. Classic heroes are celebrated. Mutants are FEARED. That’s the point. But why? Mutants are popular because of what they represent. Because of their symbol. It’s not a case that mutant powers manifest during adolescence. Adolescence is also the “commercial target” of comics and this is the first type of “connection”. The adolescence is also a critical moment in the life of everyone.

But why the fear? Because mutant powers manifest abruptly. Sometimes they explode out of control and they can become disasters. There are victims. One of the most awesome cycles I’m reading is Buffy’s Joss Whedon on Astonishing X-men. It’s really a masterpiece. What could happen if we find a cure for mutants? That simple idea is piercing. It goes right to the heart. If being a mutant is seen as a disease then there may be a cure. But this isn’t just a choice of the mutant. This is a choice of all the people. It’s a way to defend themselves. To defend from the monsters.

Mutants have always been the representation of racism. Yes, you can learn from comics. But you don’t read the superficial, apparent level. You learn what’s below. The shades of grey. The real conflicts that aren’t distinctly black or white. Comics go way past the appearance. What if we find the cure for gay and lesbians? Are these even diseases? Curses?

Mutants not only represent the “different”. But they are a DANGEROUS, menacing different. And that mobilizes people a lot more effectively. You aren’t left indifferent. The interesting point is that this overall theme is not anymore a mutant exclusive, but it’s becoming a leading one throughout the whole Marvel universe. Civil War (the latest crossover). I just finished to read “Illuminati”. It’s another masterpiece. But on the exact same line is the Mark Millar cycle on Spider-man (the one with Venom’s death, Osborne etc..).

Today, in our real world, the problem of “security” is the main one. How far you are willingly to go? How much freedom you are willingly to trade in the name of security? And who watches the Watchmen? We don’t know exactly from what or who, we are scared by everything, even ourselves. So I’m reading comics, but on comics I’m reading the exact same thing that you find on newspapers every day. With the difference than in a comics it is purged of all the frills and presented in all its metaphorical essence. And this is strong, because we don’t live a real life. As human beings we live of symbols.

Our world gives only importance to the conscious, the superficial level (tip of the iceberg) only because it’s the only part that the society can “transform” to its use. That can be influenced, conformed. While the symbols are mysterious, uncontrollable, fervent. And in the same way in Bendis’ “Illuminati” special, they recognize their role (in a very “meta” way):

The big themes of our world are fought by our heroes. They are metaphorical figures. They are both our conscience and our nightmares. Exactly as greek mythology was archetypal of that culture (and today geniuses like James Hillman study human psychology as a form of myth – archetypal psychology).

Reading comics today is like assisting a mass psychotherapy of an entire culture. And it’s damn fun.

From a comment (referred to that bad idea):

I wonder if there is a connection between your obsession with two-handed swords, your inability to come up with a simple match making tool and the fact that you’ve never kissed a woman. ;)

Ah, well. I knew it was a bad idea revealing that. Uhm, no, there aren’t any sexual parallels ;p Big swords and shiny armors have always been a myth for me since my youth. I liked very “high fantasy” settings more than realistic fantasy. The reason why I never kissed a girl is because there’s a moment when things are supposed to “happen”. Then the more time passes the more things become unlikely.

At some point I felt resigned to be destined to be “unhappy” about certain things. Like with girls or the desire to find my way into the gaming industry. My baby steps are inadequate and bring nowhere.

Today I COULDN’T CARE LESS about girls. They lost priority. I’m at a point where I HAVE TO find a path for myself, and while I can surely do without “love”, I cannot do without “work” or at least that’s what worries me today.

I knew I should have replaced that point with this one: “I actually don’t like Start Trek or Lost as every other legitimate geek. Instead my favourite TV series are Dawson’s Creek and Gilmore Girls (and another it’s better I don’t say)”.

Is that any better? :)

Oh well.. Why me?

I guess the answer is a simple one as the blogosphere doesn’t look big enough to resist even three of these loops. But the problem here is that I suck at being funny or have amusing things to say. Don’t make me look even more ashamed than how I am. I suck.

Anyway. Let’s see if I can think of something.

1- Uhm… I never read “Lord of the Rings” *ducks!* No, really. I actually love the book, but never read it. It’s about the way my brain works and something I’m victim of that I was never been able to fully explain or justify: if I like something too much, I keep it “secret” to myself. Like waiting for the perfect moment that never arrives. I actually bought the book when I was ten or eleven. I was on vacation for the summer with my parents on the Alps, as every year (both summer -trekking- and winter -skiing-).

It was a rainy day so we went shopping instead of trekking and I discovered this huge book on a book stand. It was everything I could desire as I was already an avid reader and still looking for something as fascinating as Michael Ende’s “Neverending Story” (my favorite book at that time and true personal myth). I couldn’t buy the book but when I was back at home I convinced my parents to let me go back to the shop (that was in another town) even if it was already late and getting dark. I remember that I ran a lot and it even began to rain again. I was able to find the shop open and buy the book. While I was running back home I remember I was keeping the book below my sweater so that it wouldn’t get wet. And it felt like a magic moment. I was feeling like I was holding the most precious thing ever. That evening I carefully set the book on a table and started reading… from the appendixes.

That’s where I discovered that the book was only one part of an universe. The “world” was for me more fascinating than the story and the single characters. And I decided that before reading it I had to track all the other books and then read them in order. I didn’t want to miss anything and I started a research that went on for a long time. Today I still haven’t read the book from the beginning to end.

The truth is that when I love something too much, I wait “for it” forever. I don’t want to read ten pages, because it means that I have ten less pages to read. Like if they are lost and without the possibility to go back. So I keep hoarding “precious stuff” to me but that I cannot really use because I don’t want to lose it. It’s stupid, of course, completely illogic, unjustified, but it’s something I cannot really control. And it still happens today with other books, games, comics. I leave the best stuff last, and it often means that I never see that best stuff. I’m always waiting for the “perfect” moment while actually wasting it all.

So I never read LotR because I loved it too much and I could read it only when that loved faded, so that it became actually a “mortal” possibility. There are things I simply love too much to use them. If I don’t use them they remain in the realm of perfection and I can venerate them properly. I venerated LotR for a long time, like an idol. But I didn’t read it.

2- I’m a bit hypochondriac. Not the kind that invents problems. But the kind that gets worried and anxious about just everything. I transform little problems into big dramas, but not because I like dramas, just because I get really worried. The kind of: OMG! THE END!

Of course that kind of reaction doesn’t really help.

3- I don’t know how it translates to the USA school system, but something like college graduation. We have to go through some tests and a final exam. The most important of these tests is about a writing essay. Well, I went school drunk and after having slept two hours. I started to write and chased the flow. I never had problems writing, but that was a moment of my life that I was particularly inspired. I got the max possible in that test but the final exam didn’t end exactly well as the president of the commission finished to yell at me and generate another drama scene.

But I was above all that. It was the best period of my life. I was… free. I was inspired. I had the right answers for EVERYTHING. I had learnt to see things from the other perspective, break the rules, find my way. Reclaim an identity, thoughts and all that. I could do just everything, I had all the power of this world. I had everything in my hands and I wish I could go back. Because today I feel lost, powerless and have no answers.

4- I scared a teacher when I was in college because I used to play with the “Necronomicon” and other, more serious, magic books. Writing symbols on stones, amulets and all that. I didn’t do that seriously but I really had lot of absurd books that I was able to track. For me it was something to play not more serious than reading horoscopes on a magazine, but I like digging stuff, finding old books, follow references, authors and whatnot. I also played a lot with yoga and all sort of other fancy things. But I’m also a very rational person so I never believed in anything.

5- I.. Doh! Never kissed a woman! OMG! But proud of it! I actually started to have interest in girls extremely early. I was around girls when most boys only cared about trucks and monsters. Every moment of my life is accompanied by a woman, just without her being aware, or without being really involved. I’m a case limit.

Ok, now who’s left? Foton, J. (who I doubt will ever know about this), Darniaq (who stopped writing there and I’m going to join him very soon), Krones (who was briefly resurrected) and, just for the sake of it, Anyuzer, because I miss him.

Being sick.

Maybe you noticed that I blacked out the site yesterday, and it was going to be a definitive thing.

In the last few weeks I’ve written occasionally, then pulled those posts, back and forth… It’s not like I was trying to reply Lum’s drama with SND entirely on my own, or that I went crazy (well, a little bit), or that I’m a bluff (I hate you). It’s only that some things popped up along the way, I got some (very weak, but still very important for me) hopes up. I was oscillating between “can I continue then?” “Is it over?” then those hopes were crushed and it was again game over. I’ve given all I had to give. Goodbye.

Then Zonk wakes up today and reminds me that we still had to finish something. A little thing that I want to complete. I didn’t remember that and I thought that he just didn’t want to continue as he didn’t write me for more than a week. Like “Omg, this is an idiot. Lets ignore him and hope he goes away!” I thought we were done for good even in that case.

Instead he wakes up today.

So here we are again, He is a reason good enough as another to keep things up for a few more weeks. There isn’t any other goal or purpose or whatever. So, why not?

Since I’m also tired and annoyed by all this back and forth I MAY start to write again. For a month (2007 – it ends). As I did before the 12 September. Maybe.

I can see as well that “Error 28 from storage engine” on top and it is obviously related to the categories.

Google told me that this is a common problem that I shouldn’t be responsible of, but something that messed up on the hosting end.

From what I understand the error 28 is a problem of “out of disk space” on the /tmp directory, so MySQL cannot perform some actions. It’s unlikely that this is my fault, as I’m currently using 0.4% of the total disk space that I should have available.

So what I can do is just tell Dreamhost of the problem and hope they figure it out.

EDIT: Problem solved in less than an hour (from what I can see from the logs). Not that there’s much to see :)

Once upon a time I was a child.

Those in the pictures aren’t “toys” but just leftovers of the parquet of the upper floor of this house. After the parquet was finished there were thousands left and they became my favourite toy. One afternoon my parents left me for a few hours to go to a school meeting (I was a very, very quiet kid) and when they returned the floor was FILLED with those kinds of “drawings”. I was so absorbed and concentrated playing with those that it looked like if I was in some sort of “trance”, breathing roughly but calmly.

Sadly I cannot find the pictures where I was playing with the colored blocks that came in various shapes (cilinders, pyramids, arcs and so on..), with those I used to make “vertical” compositions and temple-like buildings. It was tricky because I had to learn balance as a block placed wrongly could have triggered a chain effect and destroy everything.

I feel like I haven’t done anything good since then ;p

P.S.
“The Brother from Another Planet” is the title of a wonderful movie of an independent USA director.