I passed two hours hunting for something I wanted to quote from Raph, without finding it.

Anyway, new blogs seem to spawn every hour. The more I read them the more I think how much I suck at writing about things. It really makes me angry not being able to say something the way I like. Krones posted on the reply to Aggro Me some rules about “ranting”. I suck at those as well, but then I don’t feel like a ranter. I’m just not able to do that, it’s not something I can do. Like the secret to ltm.net. Something beyond my reach. I don’t represent anyone, I just couldn’t. I’m eccentric.

So, don’t repeat me that I suck, because I know and I agree. It’s not like you need to convince me.

I’m not “eloquent”, it’s hard for me to “pass” ideas and, in particular, create empathy. I’m not a good ranter and I’ll never be. Not this is my aspiration, really. And never was. I wish I had those qualities but I don’t have them. I knew this from the start and I’m here for other reasons.

What I’ve learnt, and where Lum is a true master, is that one post should always correspond to one idea. Go back to read the good pieces Lum wrote both recently and during the “Golden Age”. The message was always clear and effective. One post -> one idea. Instead in one of my posts I say a million things and everything is so much complicated and goes back and forth to the point that at the end it seems I say nothing at all. I take millions of notes, I start to write and then I get more ideas and things I need to track down and add. Then I forget a bunch while writing and as I’m done I remember or find 60 other things I missed. So I go back and try to add parts here and there, which doesn’t really work.

Confrontate what Lum wrote, with my reply. What Lum says is million times more effective and straight. But I believe I reached better the problem and because that was the result of a long work for me that is going on from quite a while.

Right now I have a bunch of things I need to write that accumulated to the point that I don’t really know what I can do. The notes I have about DAoC have grown beyond what is manageable, I have another text file open with some ideas about EQ2 I need to finish, I still need to write down more comment about the textures that I’m holding from many months, then the LFG system. I have some parts of the interview to Raph quoted that I have to fit somewhere and still have to go back and save some of the past discussions. Then there’s something I want to write about the reiteration and addition of “content” and the overhaul of old zones and another where I want to consolidate some thoughs about the icons and toolbars used between the various games. DAoC is going to have a new expansion, I have to write from a long time something about the itemization and again more comments on the status of the PvE, because that’s what is crucial for the game right now and where it is losing terrain. There’s an article from another blog I have to link here and another old comment from me on F13, in a discussion with Dave Rickey that complements this discussion about PvE and that I have to track down again.

Things continuously slip out of my head and I rage against myself because I just thinking to something RIGHT NOW and I forget it. It’s frustrating! This is a huge timesink, not playing. Playing is the easiest part.

So I suck doing this and it’s why I don’t even try to go in that direction. I cannot value the way I say something but I try to focus on what I say. And try to compensate the other deficencies with more attention and dedication. I’m an attentive observer, that’s something I can do. While my conclusions may be not so well presented, at least I think they can be fairly complete and interesting. I try to go at the heart of the issues and examine them, all the various points of view. Creating a mediation and a personal synthesis of all these parts. I spend a whole lot of time reading things and thinking about them. At all levels. I dig things constantly, looking into them. So I replace the part where I suck with this attention e meticulous work. I try to shift the focus on what I say more than on how I say it. Even if I absolutely know it’s a lost battle. I try to articulate.

Then I’m empathic with everything goes on. Lum leaves Mythic and it’s like a shock. You know, things like “Lum works at Mythic” are postulates of the reality. It’s like expecting the sun to rise. In THIS context, obviously. It’s not something you expect to change or in doubt. I’m excited, worried and shocked at the same time. I like when things change or demonstrate that they *can* change. That it isn’t all enrooted in the same place and all the same, the same and the same. Things can still move and can still be exciting! I participate into that. Possibilities!

LUM LEFT MYTHIC! OMG! You *cannot* just sit there doing nothing. It’s TOTALLY not normal.

That news was HUGE to me for multiple reasons, not only because I care about DAoC and I’m interested about what Lum will do. But also because Lum is still the backbone of what “we” do here. He is the load bearing wall. He defines between good and wrong, we must start somewhere to distinguish and recognize things. The fact that he moves is CRUCIAL. Things move all around. Or at least this is my perspective.

Then there’s the empathy thing. Like in Dec 04 I was excited to have a solid book from Raph in my hands. Things were concrete. I’m a dreamer. See the gap? When the gap fills up, or seems to, for me it’s a whole new discovery. I already said I’m not a ranter, I just live “by proxy”. I write not because I’m voicing people opinions but again as a dreamer. There *aren’t*, on this earth, people more passionate than me about this. That’s something I claim. So writing is for me a way to move as near as possible to something I know I cannot reach. So the empathy thing. Lum says he’s moving and I live this with him. I’m more excited than him because I participate into that, still “by proxy”. I envy him, of course, so I’m there as well, wishing along. I indentify myself with that perspective that I don’t have. So it’s stronger even compared to what I write about games. Because again I’m not a player. My play time is only a fragment of the time I dedicate to this genre because what I like is the process of creation, collaboration. The construction. Be part of things. So I search a dialogue, I want to discuss things because I envy. That’s the dream that leads me. The myth.

I imagine how things could be, if I had the possibility to be there, moving past the limit. I think I could melt completely, getting completely absorbed. There are so many things I’d love to learn. The more incompetent I’d feel, the more the space of things that would involve me, where I can immerse myself. I’d SO LOVE to see things behind the scenes, how the various people work together, how a content designer team works, how the zones are built, the script programs they use. I’d love to sit by an artist to follow his work and see how he can shape a monster or a character, I’d love to follow the development of a project from the concept art to its transition as something “solid” and playable. Follow all these steps, go to bug everyone incessantly, from QA to the lead designers, be everywhere, chase everything passing by to see where it leads. I think I’d melt with the bricks of the offices, because that’s the level of things I love.

Moving past the threshold would be my dream. Sitting down with someone explaining me how the internal tools work and can be used. That level that I know nothing about but that I’d like to be able learn. The possibility to. Right now I’m total incompetent, but I wish I had the possibility to move there. Not only live things through a screen (which is truly “convenient”, I agree), but getting compromised. The teamwork as something that becomes more direct and concrete, not anymore assumed or imagined. Crossing that line. Be part of things.

Of course: I don’t have a website to realize my dreams. Nor to build “community” or consensus. I have a website just because I can go as near it’s possible for me to what I like. Definitely not as a player, but looking inside through a window. I write about those things I see or I imagine through it. I look inside ecstatically, trying to get a glimpse of what people do inside. Stranger in a strange land. I’m totally alien to that part, I have zero competencies, but, still, it’s what I find fascinating and that draws me like the strongest magnet. Nothing to offer. But this passion? You cannot match it. I wish I could learn, though.

This site is a ladder to watch the stars. As silly as it is.

So what? Nothing. I just wanted to say why there are things with which I feel a so strong participation even if I have nothing to share with, like the news that Lum is moving somewhere else.

I get so involved and heartily participating because I’m there even if you cannot see me :) So don’t be surprised by my reactions.